Thursday, June 09, 2005
Working as an Ooze
We took a walk early this morning. There was heavy fog like yesterday. Flights were held up yesterday because of the fog. Downtown it was not as thick.
Yesterday was another very busy day at work and after work I got together with a former co-worker. We first met working for the Senseless, otherwise known as the 2000 Census. We were in the Field Department and, no our department did not go out from house to house. We worked totally from the Census office, plotting maps, doing reports, verifying completed books that came in from those who did the door to door thing. It was great, one of the best jobs I ever had. The bosses were fun, co-workers were awesome and we worked really hard. After a couple of months I was promoted (probably only because of my database report skills) to a sort of boss, called an OOS (Office Operations Supervisor) in Special Services, away from my beloved Field Dept. It was never as fun anymore, but I still worked really hard and stayed in touch with my old buddies. They laughed at my new title, pronounced "ooze". My bosses were SOS "Suze" and FOS "Fooze".
I was in charge of a roomful of people doing quality control. My hardest problem was in keeping up morale, for unlike the Field Dept this job was not fun at all. We had to call those people who had refused to complete the survey. We also had to call a random one-third of everyone who HAD completed the survey and ask them the same questions all over again (for quality control). Needless to say, most of the hundreds of people we called per hour were not happy to hear from us again--and we were required to contact them three times to try to get the information. Dealing with crying workers (over phone abuse) and swearing people on the phone who wanted to speak to the manager were some of the major parts of the day as was keeping up the current reports and stats on our progress. I had a quota and deadlines and the job was very stressful, workers would walk out after a nasty phone conversation with a customer, or just not show up the next day.
The Census had some really cool little perks and giveaways for managers that I would give out as prizes, it helped. We had regular pep talks and contests to bring up morale. I had a great core group of people who worked very hard and developed thick skins. We got through it with a good statistics record and ahead of the final deadline. Then, when Quality Control was no longer needed, I was transferred, thank God, and the faithful workers put into other departments (which I'm sure they enjoyed much better than QC). Last night my friend asked me if I was planning to work for the Census in 2010. I would absolutely love to work for the Census again, but not in Quality Control and not while also holding down a full time night job!
From my E-mail
Baby Power Rules (This is what we're up against as parents. Be strong!)
Hello, my name is Captain Baby, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please go to your rooms now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1 You have absolute power; you are little but you are mighty. You change lives.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2 Cry, it works wonders to make big people nervous and off-balance.
Tears are one of your biggest assets in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3 Be cute, the most powerful weapon of all.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken stuff in the house.
Rule #4 Keep them weak and vulnerable.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5 Pee on them, or spit up.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere. Spitting up on good clothing (theirs or yours) works well, too.
Rule #6 Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever. It will wear them out faster, too.
Rule #7 Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8 Grandparents and even strangers love babies.
Capturing the key Grandparent demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around! Bask in the safe arms of your parents while you charm nearby strangers.
Rule #9 Siblings exist for your amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry and scream loudly, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10 No private time for your parents.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power!
__________
Yesterday was another very busy day at work and after work I got together with a former co-worker. We first met working for the Senseless, otherwise known as the 2000 Census. We were in the Field Department and, no our department did not go out from house to house. We worked totally from the Census office, plotting maps, doing reports, verifying completed books that came in from those who did the door to door thing. It was great, one of the best jobs I ever had. The bosses were fun, co-workers were awesome and we worked really hard. After a couple of months I was promoted (probably only because of my database report skills) to a sort of boss, called an OOS (Office Operations Supervisor) in Special Services, away from my beloved Field Dept. It was never as fun anymore, but I still worked really hard and stayed in touch with my old buddies. They laughed at my new title, pronounced "ooze". My bosses were SOS "Suze" and FOS "Fooze".
I was in charge of a roomful of people doing quality control. My hardest problem was in keeping up morale, for unlike the Field Dept this job was not fun at all. We had to call those people who had refused to complete the survey. We also had to call a random one-third of everyone who HAD completed the survey and ask them the same questions all over again (for quality control). Needless to say, most of the hundreds of people we called per hour were not happy to hear from us again--and we were required to contact them three times to try to get the information. Dealing with crying workers (over phone abuse) and swearing people on the phone who wanted to speak to the manager were some of the major parts of the day as was keeping up the current reports and stats on our progress. I had a quota and deadlines and the job was very stressful, workers would walk out after a nasty phone conversation with a customer, or just not show up the next day.
The Census had some really cool little perks and giveaways for managers that I would give out as prizes, it helped. We had regular pep talks and contests to bring up morale. I had a great core group of people who worked very hard and developed thick skins. We got through it with a good statistics record and ahead of the final deadline. Then, when Quality Control was no longer needed, I was transferred, thank God, and the faithful workers put into other departments (which I'm sure they enjoyed much better than QC). Last night my friend asked me if I was planning to work for the Census in 2010. I would absolutely love to work for the Census again, but not in Quality Control and not while also holding down a full time night job!
From my E-mail
Baby Power Rules (This is what we're up against as parents. Be strong!)
Hello, my name is Captain Baby, and I'm nine months old. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please go to your rooms now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business.
Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time!
Rule #1 You have absolute power; you are little but you are mighty. You change lives.
Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them.
Rule #2 Cry, it works wonders to make big people nervous and off-balance.
Tears are one of your biggest assets in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds.
Rule #3 Be cute, the most powerful weapon of all.
This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken stuff in the house.
Rule #4 Keep them weak and vulnerable.
I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination.
Rule #5 Pee on them, or spit up.
Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere. Spitting up on good clothing (theirs or yours) works well, too.
Rule #6 Make them carry you.
Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever. It will wear them out faster, too.
Rule #7 Smack them around a little.
Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination.
Rule #8 Grandparents and even strangers love babies.
Capturing the key Grandparent demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Gramps will even let you watch the Spice channel if nobody else is around! Bask in the safe arms of your parents while you charm nearby strangers.
Rule #9 Siblings exist for your amusement.
Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry and scream loudly, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger.
Rule #10 No private time for your parents.
This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!
That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household.
You have the power!
__________
